Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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