he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
