He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
