This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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