I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
