i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The air taste purple.
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