What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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