he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
