I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize