Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
