If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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