That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
