Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
