Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
