is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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