foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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