My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
