If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
