I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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