I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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