I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize