he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
