Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
