put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
