if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
