Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's rum buckets o'clock
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
