I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
