Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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