Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
