I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize