My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
