we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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