Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
