every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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