I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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