Define "chronic" masturbator.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
