just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
