The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
