We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize