your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
