i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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