He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
