So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Of course I have a pirate flag
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize