when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
