Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
