I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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