he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
