If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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