I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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