Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
