I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
