I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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