im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
