One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
