That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
