I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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