I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
