Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
