hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
