Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
