He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
