I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
